fall-ing

we have fallen hard from our safe, family summer nest into the next (not the spring of learning to fly) season but one where it is bright because of orange-red pumpkins and golden leaves that normally make me smile. who says you can't fly in autumn?  i have been the one to try to control (which goes against the nature of life) and fix EVERYTHING since camille started preschool at clear lake when she was 4. i cannot predict the punches and set up blockades, even though i gave my heart and fists.  she had regressed severely. not eating, not sleeping, vomiting into her hands while walking, on her classroom desk...not functioning.

we had made a decision. camille was going to lyman to be with brett. my role in her anxiety was changing and it hit as i stood at the window that sunday morning staring at my katsura with its luminous leaves and whimsical branches. i wasn't ready for the leaves to be wind-torn. i wasn't ready (even though nothing could get worse and everything only better) for the leaves to go. i was fighting change with a hatchet and shovel (can you tell we have been digging up a clothesline bearing concrete from the ground?)  tears from years of energy spent fixing every unexpected moment jackhammered my body. for hours. then, i realized my role needed to be redefined.  free.